We are all born sexual creatures,thank God,but it’s a pity so many people despise & crush this natural gift.
- Marilyn Monroe
It Happened To Me: I Lost My Virginity at 30
Interestingly enough, that first experience must have jump-started my hormones or something, because now I want sex ALL THE TIME. Maybe it’s because it’s been demystified for me, or because the pressure of the First Time is off.
Read the full story at http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/losing-virginity-as-an-adult @xoJanedotcom
Celine Dion’s first time was with her much older manager-turned-hubby, René Angélil., who she says she pursued sexually. She wrote in My Story, My Dream:
“It was in Dublin, on that unforgettable day of April 30, 1988, the evening of the Eurovision competition … He went back to my room with me … I was seated at the head of the bed, legs folded under the covers. I was happy about being alone with the man I loved. And I had a very precise plan.
I took his head in my hands and I kissed him on the lips. I put my arms around his neck … He held me tight, the door still open behind him. Then he removed my arms. He fled to his room. I stayed there for a moment all alone, my heart beating — trembling and dumbfounded. I knew that I’d won. The flight was an admission of it.
I grabbed the telephone and called his room to tell him: “If you don’t come back here immediately, I’m going to knock on your door.” But there was no answer.
It was he who called me several minutes later from the lobby of the hotel. To ask if I was all right. And then he told me: ‘If you really want to, I’ll be the first.” And I answered him: “You’ll be the first. And the only.'”
All my feminine charms, all the sex appeal I have for men I invested in my conquest of René Angélil.
I found a wiki page on How to Lose Your Virginity Without Pain (Girls). It lists tips, warnings, what to do before having sex and during sex. Below I’ve listed some of the tips – which both touch upon the physicial and emotional aspects of first time sex – especially focusing on safer sex practices. Although first time sex is a universal experience, losing your virginity is personal and the more prepared a person is, the better the experience will be
- If you experience excruciating pain or heavy bleeding that lasts for a day or more, see a doctor.
- If you feel like tonight is not yet “the night”, don’t be ashamed to postpone it. A caring partner will value how you feel above anything else and will not try to rush you into something you are not ready for. If you change your mind, it is okay to say so!
- No one’s first time is absolutely perfect, so leave your expectations at the door. No one will expect you to be a pro.
- If you don’t feel very confident about your body, remember that candlelight is always an option, and may feel more romantic and sexier than electric light or complete darkness.
- Always use a water based lubricant, not Vaseline, oil, moisturizer, or any kind of greasy substance. This can damage latex based condoms and cause irritation and pain.
- Use a condom even if you have another form of birth control if your partner has had sex with someone else before. You can get an STD your very first time. If you don’t use birth control at all, you can get pregnant! Don’t let something like that ruin your experience.
- Consider making an appointment with a gynecologist after you become sexually active.
- You might get the urge to go to the toilet (be it number one or number two) during sex. It’s normal. It will go away after couple of times you have sex.
“Sex for human beings, in addition to being biological and social, is deeply cultural and thus extremely psychological. Every human brings with her or him a suite of embodied experiences to every sexual encounter and even to every thought, consideration, or fantasy about sexual encounters. At a minimal level this includes one’s gender, the current gender expectations of his/her society and all the subdivisions in that society s/he belongs to, personal life history and past experiences and exposure to sexual activity, sexual orientation, and age, health, body image, religion, politics, economics, computer access, etc…
With all of this mess it is amazing we continue participate in, and enjoy, sexual activities…but we most certainly do. This tells us something about human nature: sex is really important in spite of its complexity and potential for social and physiological danger. Why? Because human nature is all about social intercourse, about connection and interaction between people, exchanges of thoughts and feelings, and sex is a central part of this system. Humans have a distinctively complicated, messy and elaborately cognitive way of having sex and that is part of what makes us one of the most adept, complex, and interesting critters on the planet.”
- Agustín Fuentes, Ph.D, Professor in the Department of Anthropology at the University of Notre Dame
Is physical trauma the end of good sex?
This was the title of an annonymous question submmited at SexualHealth.com The question was submitted by a woman who had spinal cord injury and wonders if she will be able to orgasm again. I engourage you to read Dr. Fuglsang’s great medical advice. The same, I believe, could be given to people who had a traumatic first time sexual experience.
Finding pleasure and good emotions about sex after sexual trauma can be very hard. Sensate focus exercises, for example, change the focus of sex from the touching of genitals and nipples to different strokes and carresses in different areas of the body. The technique of pleasure mapping builds intimacy by finding out with your partner the unexpected areas of your body that might be pleasurable. Building a strong relationship might change the negative emotions or fear of sex. Obviously these are just some baby steps or techniques that might be helpful for some people.
Seeking out help from therapists and support groups will provide more help on how to change perceptions related to sex. What do you think about these three tips? Do you think it might be helpful for men and women who have undergone sexual trauma? Tweet us @LostMyV and share your thoughts.
“Mommy Porn”, Fifty Shades of Grey and the Cultural Suppression of Female Sexual Nature
Sex is taboo in our society. It might rank #1 in Google search terms but talk and expression of sex, sexual desire and our sexual nature is hushed. Women are called as sluts for wanting sex and men are supposed to naturally seek sex as an expression of manhood. Men’s virginity is a burden and women’s V is a valuable gift and object to be preserved. Sex is genered in many ways. The term “mommy porn” associated with Fifty Shades of Grey shows how socially and culturally we talk about sex and what it means for women and men, mothers and fathers.
Sex therapist Sari Cooper writes argues that “calling Fifty Shades ‘mommy porn’ is similar to the way men call romantic comedies ‘chick flicks. Unfortunately, it is done with a tone that infers that the male version is the real deal while what turns women on is long, involved, complicated and emotionally challenging.”
Rachel Khona published a great article on YourTango discussing the categorization of “Mommy Porn”:
“But why the term when it’s really just erotica? Is it because women’s sexuality is still taboo and needs to be categorized? Is it because the idea of women enjoying something as “scandalous” as BDSM is so threatening that it needs to be termed “mommy porn” to diminish its potency?
In a society where sexually experienced women are ‘hos’ but their male counterparts are ‘players,’ women are branded as sluts for wanting birth control or bitches because they’re aggressive at work, the term ‘mommy porn’ is just another way to demean female sexual desire.”
For women and men, being able to express their sexuality gives them great power. The term “mommy porn” is demeaning and useless. Women read erotica books. The popularity with Fifty Shades of Grey could not have come at a better time in US history when women’s sexuality is increasingly politicized. “Mommy porn” and the birth control fiasco are just two more ways in which women’s sexuality is controlled and attempted to turn off. Unfortunately, women unleash great power when they stick together
Kim Kardashian told Oprah Winfrey that her mom, Kris Jenner, put her on the birth control pill at the age of 14.
EntertainmentWise reports that the Kim discussed sex openly with Kris. Kim told Oprah: “When I did want to have sex the first time I was almost 15.” Kim reportedly said that she had been going out with her boyfriend at the time for two years.
When she felt the desire, she told her mom: “I think I’m going to, or I want to”. Kris responded, “‘OK, so this is what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna put you on birth control”. The 31-year old star adds that her mother was really open and honest with her.
A mother influences her daughter’s beliefs about sex, her body and relationships in many ways. At the age of 14, Kim felt comfortable discussing these issues with her mother. I wonder how many teenage daughters are comfortable having a similar sex conversation with their mother knowing that they wouldn’t be shamed upon?
Reading LostMyV’s intimate memoirs makes me think of how our society romanticizes first time sex. Three powerful examples are Twilight, Glee, and the confession of Mimi Alford – who lost her virginity fifty years ago as a young intern to then-President John F. Kennedy. The theme is manifested in three very different ways. Twilight idealizes abstinence, Glee depicts the illusion of a magical first time sexual experience, and Mimi Alford romanticizes her sexual escapades to let go of her secretive past.
Indeed, tapping into their sexually awakening characters as they rehearse for their school’s production of West Side Story , turns out to be more than just a sexual quest to lose their virginity. In fact, their intimate moments carried all the romance, magic and sweetness of a first love. In so doing, Glee romanticizes first time sex for both a straight, and a gay teen couple in an emotionally satisfying way.
When Bella and Edward finally have sex in their honeymoon, the scenes and story-line are sexually powerful. Such ultimate sexual climax may set unreal female and male expectations and fantasies for first time sex. Moreover, it can be argued that the significance placed in first time sex for both Twilight and Glee may place unreal expectations for young people. Young women, in particular, may expect harps playing, rose petals in the bed, falling head over heels in love, marriage, and living happily ever after with their first sexual partner. Because, as it is depicted, virginity is a magical gift given to their one true love.
This brings me to Mimi Alford and John F. Kennedy. Early this year, Mimi confessed the sexual 18-month affair she had as a White House intern with President Kennedy. Public commentaries questioned whether anyone cared or found her story relevant. She reveals, “When you keep a secret and when you keep silent about something, you do it because you think it’s keeping you safe, but in fact, it’s deadly.”
Mimi was swept into a whirlwind of exciting romance with a handsome president who had abundant charisma, and magnetism. He was glamorized, adored, even idolized by American society. Joanna Schroeder, writer for the Good Men Project, states
“In a time when female sexuality was both demonized and put on a pedestal, when virginity was one of the most valuable aspects of a woman, when women had very little sexual agency, perhaps Alford had to romanticize the loss of her virginity to survive the pain of what may have been a less-than-consensual interaction.”
Mimi carried her secret for 50 years. When asked if she would do it again, Mimi replies, “I still wouldn’t say no.” Remembering her affair and loss of virginity as exciting romance is her way of surviving and overcoming the shame of her first sexual experience. A shame imbued by society. In fact, when she told her husband, he told her never to speak of it again. However, romanticizing her first time is a way of accepting her haunting past.
Romanticizing first time sex can have both negative and positive repercussions. Failure to meet societal expectations may cause a person to view their experience as shameful, or even, harmful to future relationships. However, romanticizing a societally-disgraceful experience may help a person overcome the negative emotions associated with a scarring past.
Do you agree?
I am re-publishing this post on this blog. If it sounds familiar, it was last published at HubPages.
I stumbled into this account of virginity loss of a 26 year old man to a prostitute. Following this personal account is a prostitute’s response to this young man’s experience and her own experience “taking” other men’s virginities.
“I’m 26 years old (27 in a few weeks) and I just lost my virginity. I was with a bunch of friends who wanted to go to this “massage parlor” and I agreed to go. Normally, when my friends go to these places, I would decline but I’ve had a shitty year which caused me to be a little depressed and made me want to do something crazy.
My friends have always made fun of me for being a virgin at this late age, but I usually just shrug it off because I didn’t really mind. But yesterday, I was really down and I just wanted to be happy. So… I actually went to this place.
First of all, the “masseuse” was kinda pretty, but she seemed even more depressed than me. She was frowning the whole time and her voice was really soft and sounded sad. I should have backed out when I noticed this, but I was too nervous to say anything. She gave me a quick massage and then suddenly took a shower then laid down next to me naked. I told her it was my first time. She just stimulated me for a couple of minutes and then put on a condom. Then she just laid still in bed and told me to put my dick in her. This whole time she sounded sad and withdrawn.
I put it in her and started pumping. Because I was a little tipsy at the time and had a condom on, I barely felt a thing. She was moaning so I took it as a good sign. But her eyes were closed the whole time and she didn’t say a thing until I pulled out. She asked if I was done when I pulled out. I actually wasn’t (I came a little but not enough to actually count as an orgasm), but I said “yes”. She then kind of motioned me to stop. So I just sat beside her. She laid there for a few minutes and (this is what made it a really horrible experience) she seemed to be whimpering; she was dabbing her eyes with her fingers, so she might have been crying. I’m not sure. I’ve never felt so guilty in my life. I asked her a couple of times if she was okay, and she just said “yes”. After a while, she got up and then took a shower. I sat in guilt the whole time.
After she got out, I showered too. After the shower, when I got out, she asked me if I was okay, to which I said “yes”. Again, she sounded sad and withdrawn. I paid her and she left.
I just lost my virginity to a prostitute and it feels bad, man.”
A former prostitute’s response:
“I am a former prostitute and I had “taken” a few virginities when I was working. While I wasn’t saddened by my work and I did chose it for myself, I did not enjoy taking a virginity. I would like to share my experiences with such.
I do not believe in the idea that a virginity is something you have. I do not believe you lose anything when you have sex. It does not make you a real man or woman to have sex.
But those are my ideas. I know others share very different points of view. It was obvious the men who came to see me to become a man in their own eyes felt that finally fucking a woman would turn their lives around.
All of the men told a different story. There was the kid fresh out of high school who felt he needed to become a man before college. There was the older man in his 40’s who wanted to know a woman’s touch for once. The majority of those were your age, though. Those who felt just slightly too old to get away with being a virgin anymore. But they all felt they had to have sex to be a real man.
And that is what hurt the most for me. Because, I knew that while I made them extremely happy within their paid timed frame, that when they woke up in the morning they would be the same. Losing their virginity to me really meant nothing in the real world. All of those men gave me reasons for going to a prostitute to get it “done with.” To get more women, to stand up for themselves, to be a real man. They felt their only barrier in their lives was their virginity, and that fucking me was going to remove said barrier and then they would finally be able to be free.
I knew that change wasn’t going to happen. I was a nice little expensive placebo, not the cure they were looking for. I was looked at like an end all to all of their frustrations. They blamed everything on their virginity when in actuality their problems came from themselves. I can hope to the Gods that they at least got enough confidence in themselves to find a woman to make them truly happy. But I don’t know, and I will never know.”
To my eternal questions, these two accounts keep making me wonder: What is virginity loss and how does our society construct virginity loss for women and men?
Many of us lose our virginity on special occassions and holidays such as senior prom night, Christmas, even July 4th.
“It really was a beautiful night. I know Ryan and I loved each other in our own way, albeit mostly in a benign and dutiful manner. I don’t even begrudge Ryan for being a horny guy, willing to shell out any price just to wear down his girlfriend’s grip on her V card. Because for one night, I got to play princess. I got to be the star in my own movie. The fancy hotel, the expensive gift, the bubbly champagne and twinkling stars- it all adds up for a great story. And I learned that night what I truly wanted from a guy-everything.”
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